Joke of the Day – Anger Management

Joke of the Day – Anger Management

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call Id forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying Hello.

I politely said, This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear Get the right f***ing number! and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldnt believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyns correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled Youre an asshole! and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word asshole next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, Id call him up and yell, Youre an asshole! It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. Im calling to see if youre familiar with our Caller ID Program?

He yelled NO! and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, Thats because youre an asshole! and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull in to a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that Id been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that Id better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?

He said, Yes, it is. I asked, Can you tell me where I can see it? He said, Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . Its a yellow rambler, and the cars parked right out in front.

I asked, Whats your name?

He said, My name is Don Hansen,

I asked, Whens a good time to catch you, Don?

He said, Im home every evening after five.

I said, Listen, Don, can I tell you something?

He said, Yes?

I said, Don, youre an asshole!

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.

He said, Hello.

I said, Youre an asshole! (But I didnt hang up.)

He asked, Are you still there?

I said, Yeah,

He screamed, Stop calling me,

I said, Make me,

He asked, Who are you?

I said, My name is Don Hansen.

He said, Yeah? Where do you live? I said, Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, in a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.

He said, Im coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.

I said, Yeah, like Im really scared, asshole, and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, Hello?

I said, Hello, asshole,

He yelled, If I ever find out who you are….

I said, Youll what?

He exclaimed, Ill kick your ass,

I answered, Well, asshole, heres your chance. Im coming over right now.

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, Saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.


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Joke of the Day – Political Science for Dummies

Joke of the Day – Political Science for Dummies

• You have two cows.
• Your neighbor has none.
• You feel guilty for being successful.

• You have two cows.
• Your neighbor has none.
• So?

• You have two cows.
• The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
• You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

• You have two cows.
• The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
• You wait in line for hours to get it.
• It is expensive and sour.

• You have two cows.
• You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

• You have two cows.
• Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

• You have two cows.
• You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
• You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
• Your stock goes up.

• You have two cows.
• You go on strike because you want three cows.
• You go to lunch and drink wine.
• Life is good.

• You have two cows.
• You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
• They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
• Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

• You have two cows.
• You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
• Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

• You have two cows but you dont know where they are.
• You break for lunch.
• Life is good.

• You have two cows.
• You have some vodka.
• You count them and learn you have five cows.
• You have some more vodka.
• You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
• The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

• You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
• You dont milk them because you cannot touch any creatures private parts.
• You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

• You have two cows.
• They go into hiding.
• They send radio tapes of their mooing.

• You have two bulls.
• Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

• You have one cow.
• The cow is schizophrenic.
• Sometimes the cow thinks hes French, other times hes Flemish.
• The Flemish cow wont share with the French cow.
• The French cow wants control of the Flemish cows milk.
• The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
• The cow dies happy.

• You have a black cow and a brown cow.
• Everyone votes for the best looking one.
• Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
• Some people vote for both.
• Some people vote for neither.
• Some people cant figure out how to vote at all.
• Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

• You have millions of cows.
• They make real California cheese.
• Only five speak English.
• Most are illegal.
• Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.


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Joke of the Day – Politically Correct Feminine Terminology

Joke of the Day – Politically Correct Feminine Terminology

She is not: An airhead
She is: Reality Impaired

She is not: A Bleached Blond
She is: Peroxide Dependant

She does not have: Major league hooters
She is: Pectorally Superior

She does not have: A Great Tan
She is: Pigmentally Enhanced

You do not want to: Score or pick her up
You want to: Attempt a Horizontal Encounter

She is not: A perfect 10
She is: Numerically Superior

She does not have: A great butt
She has: A Superior Posterior

She does not have: A perfect body
She is: Anatomically Gifted

She is not: Drunk or tipsy
She is: Chemically Inconvenienced


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