A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says,
“Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks,
“What is it supposed to be when it’s finished??
The girl says,
“According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. She lets him
in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box. He turns to her and says,
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box.”

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How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?

“You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.” Kally, age 9

“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.” Allan, age 10

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you’re stuck with.” Kirsten, age 10

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!” Cam, age 10

“No age is good to get married at…. You got to be a fool to get married!” Freddie, age 6

How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?

“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.” Eddie, age 6

“You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.” Derrick, age 8

What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?

“Both don’t want no more kids.” Lori, age 8

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You know you’re out of college when…

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.

2. Your potted plants stay alive.

3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.

6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.

7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.

8. 8:00 am is not early.

9. You have to file your own taxes.

10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

11. You’re not carded anymore.

12. You carry an umbrella.

13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for “jackass”.

14. “Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.

15. “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.

16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.

17. You start watching the weather channel.

18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.

19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.

22. You go to parties that police don’t raid.

23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you… and they’re no longer “adults” – they are your peers.

24. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.

25. Your car insurance goes down.

26. You refer to college students as kids.

27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.

28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.

29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.

30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.

31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, “When I was in college…”

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grisly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, “from the tip of my weenie to my
testicles.”

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to “drop ’em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie and began to work back.

Oh Man!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The old Chief calmly replied… “Vietnam.”

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