Son, when you participate in sporting events, its not whether you win or lose: its how drunk you get.

Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, youd step over your own mother just to get one! But you cant stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

Whats the point of going out? Were just going to wind up back here anyway.

Im normally not a praying man, but if youre up there, please save me, Superman.

Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…. but what good does that do me?

I hope I didnt brain my damage.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. Its what separates us from the animals…. except the weasel.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Old people dont need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything thats even remotely true!

How could you?! Havent you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didnt hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

You dont like your job, you dont strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. Thats the American way.

Oh, Im in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I dont have to listen to myself. Im drunk.

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