The neighbour dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
“What’s wrong Marge ?” she asked.
Marge told her that she had “morning sickness.”
Surprised, the neighbour said, “I didn’t even know you were pregnant!”
“I’m not.” the harried young woman replied. “I’m just damn sick of mornings.”
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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.
The seaman asks “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”?
“Well…”, replied the pirate, “While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eyepatch?”
“A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.”, replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well…”, said the pirate, “…it was my first day with the hook.”
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Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened and said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways.”
The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in.
Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”
At that, in his inebriated state he replied, “I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”
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A firefighter tells his wife: “I want us to do it like in my firehouse: first whistle we take off our clothes. Second whistle we put on our work clothes. Third whistle we get on the fire car”. The wife agrees, so on his first whistle they take off their clothes, on the second they get to bed, and by the third whistle they start having sex. Suddenly during sex the woman blows the whistle. The guy says “What happened?!” She answers, “Flames are getting high, but the hose is too short!”
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