Month: February 2013

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how our government operates.

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Acne Control Solution

Two New Zealand guys Josh & Sam were walking through a paddock one day when they come to a fence.

Stuck in the fence is a sheep. Only its head is stuck and its body on the men’s side of the fence.

Without thinking about it one of the men, Josh pulls down his trousers and starting doing the sheep.

When he’s finished he gets all embarrassed and says to his fellow, “Sorry, did you want a go.”

Sam, his mate thinks about it for a second. Then he kneels down

And sticks his head in the fence.

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3 very good friends, a doctor, a banker, and a lawyer, all had a mutual friend pass away.

While at the funeral, the Doctor says “I wanna do something nice and unselfish for our friend,” so he pulls out his wallet and throws a $100 dollar bill into the casket.

The banker sees this and decides to do the same, he pulls out his wallet and throws a $100 dollar bill into the casket as well.

The lawyer being the last one, says the same as well. So he pulls out his checkbook, takes the cash, and writes and leaves a check for $300.

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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.”

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

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