A sixty year old man walks into Walgreens and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, “Do you sell condoms here?”

“Sure. What size are you?”

“I don’t know,” he replies.

“Well, just let me check,” the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, “Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter.”

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Later, a thirty year old man walks into Walgreens and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, “Do you sell condoms here?”

The cashier replies, “Sure. What size do you need?”

“Well, I don’t know.”

“Allow me to check for you,” she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, “Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter.”

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Some time later, a eighteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the Walgreens checkout counter and asks sheepishly, “Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?”

“Yep,” she says. “What size do you need?”

“I don’t know,” he says nervously.

“Allow me to check for you,” she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, “Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter.”

“““““

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery, he goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks agina accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.

“““““

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A man is driving across the state to see his wife when he sees a Native American hitchhiker on the side of the road. Thinking he could do with some company, he pulls over and lets the man in, offering him a ride home.

The Native man is grateful, but our driver notices that he keeps eyeing the large bottle of gin on the floor of the passenger seat. Not wanting the guy to get any ideas, he says “Ah, I got that bottle for my wife.”

The Native man says nothing for a few moments, then softly replies

“Good trade.”
——-

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A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” was the reply.
“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, “Oh, you look about 29”.

“I’m really 47!”, he says, feeling better than ever.

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, “I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, “Okay, it’s done. You are 47.”
Stunned, the man says, “That was brilliant. How did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “I was standing behind you at McDonalds.”

“““““

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