An old man goes to the doctor’s office as he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?” “There’s something wrong with my penis,” he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.” “Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said. The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.” The man walked out, waited a few minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?’ “There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?” “I can’t piss out of it…”

“““““

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A young religious couple is about to get married when their car crashes, killing them both. They come to the gates of heaven and are greeted by Saint Peter. He tells them that they were both faithful in life and he welcomes them into God’s Kingdom.

“Wait,” says the man. “We were about to be married, but we died before the ceremony. Is it possible to get a marriage in heaven?”

Saint Peter thinks about it, but he can’t think of an answer. He tells them to wait and he’ll see what he can do.

While he’s gone, the couple starts thinking about how final a marriage in heaven is. After all, a marriage on Earth is ’til death do us part- but a marriage in heaven would be truly eternal.

Days later, Saint Peter comes back. “It was tough,” he said, “but I managed to arrange a ceremony for you two.”

“That’s all good and fine,” says the couple, “but can we a also get a prenup, just in case?”

Saint Peter throws his hands up in the air in frustration and says, “It took me this long to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

“““““

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A high school girl is getting ready for her senior prom. Lets call her Jen. Now, Jen has been dreaming if this day for her entire life. She has everything set up perfectly; she’s got a hot date, and the perfect dress.

All of a sudden, as Mother Nature is wont to do, Jen gets her period, and it’s a particularly heavy flow this month. Jen runs to her bathroom to find some tampons, but she’s an idiot and hadnt gone to get any. “FUCK!” Yells Jen.

As she often does when she really needs help, Jen calls up her fairy godmother. “What is it you need deary?” Asks the fairy godmother. “Look,” said Jen, “Im about to go to prom and my period came and I don’t have any tampons!! Can you help me out?” “Of course!” Says fairy godmother, “take this magic tampon. It’ll soak up even the heaviest flow, but there’s on condition. You MUST be back by midnight or that tampon will turn into a pumpkin!”

“Yeah okthxBAI” says Jen, and she heads out for the night.

11:45 comes around and the fairy godmother is up waiting for Jen. 11:55 No sign of Jen, and the fairy godmother is getting worried. 12:00…..no Jen. Fairy godmother is PISSED. “WHAT THE FUCK,” she cries out into the night. 1:00…no Jen 2:00….nothing 3:00 strikes and Jen finally rolls in. “What the fuck happened?” Asked the fairy godmother. “Where have you been? Are you all right?? You worried me to death!”

“No no fairy godmother I’m fine I’m fine!” Said Jen. “I met the most amaaazing boy! My night was perfect!”

“Jen that’s ridiculous Im much more concerned about your safety! What was this boys name, huh?”

“His name was, uhh… Peter Peter…something eater..”

“““““

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A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”

The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. “Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied.

“So what happened then?” the man asked.

The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

Man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So, what did you do then?” the man asked.

“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”

“And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

“Hmmm . . . ” the man said and nodded his head.

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.

“So, what did you do?” the man asked.

“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in . . . Some things you just can’t explain.”

——-

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