Month: September 2013

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming the woman had a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering, but went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again and, again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking more than before.

At this, the man said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and the shuddered violently. Are you okay?

“I’m sorry if I disturbed you,” the woman replied, “but I have a very rare medical condition – whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

“I’ve never heard of that condition,” the man said. “Are you taking anything for it?”

“Yes,” the woman said. “Pepper.”

“““““

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, ‘Where have you been?’

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, ‘Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.’

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ‘What is it?’

‘It’s a planet,’ replied God, ‘and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.’

‘Balance?’ inquired Michael, ‘I’m still confused.’

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. ‘For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.’

God continued pointing to different countries. ‘This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.’

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, ‘What’s that one?’

‘That’s Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of software.’

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, ‘But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.’

God smiled, ‘There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.’

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An Irish priest was driving to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest’s breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He asked, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” said the priest.

The trooper asked, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looked at the bottle and exclaimed, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

——-

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Dougly walks into a bar, when he comes inside he sees Carl sitting by the bar wearing a huge watch, which is way to big to be comfortable.

Dougly walks up to him and says “hey Carl, where the hell did you get that watch?”

Carl points into the corner and says “do you see the old man sitting in the corner there?”

“Yeah” says Dougly

“well, he can grant wishes” Carl

Dougly gets all excited “like real wishes?”

Carl says “yes, but…”

but Dougly is exited and doesn’t let Carl finish, runs to the old man sitting in the corner and asks him “do you grant wishes?”

“yes, one wish per person” says the old man

“all right, I wish that my pockets were always full of money” and suddenly Dougly’s pockets start bulging out.

Dougly runs to the bar and says the bartender “bartender, get me 2 beers, 2 shots of tequila and a bottle of whiskey”

Dougly then reaches into his pockets for his money, but it isn’t money, it’s all gooey “this is honey, but I asked for money”

then Carl says “Do you think I asked for a 12″ inch long clock?”

“““““

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