This guy has a monkey and he wants to go down to Florida for spring break, so him and his monkey get on this Greyhound bus and head down. On the way there’s a terrible crash. The bus drives off the road and everyone on board dies. It’s a horrible bloodbath with body parts scattered everywhere. Everyone is dead at the scene except the monkey.

The police are trying to figure out what went wrong. They have no witnesses. It was a single-vehicle accident. So they bring the monkey in to interrogate him. The detectives figure it’s a long shot, but it’s the only way they’ll ever know.

In the interrogation room, the detective sits down across from this monkey. The monkey looks back at the detective as if he’s waiting for questioning. The detective says, “This is ridiculous, but let’s give it a shot. What the hell happened on that bus?” The monkey of course, can’t talk, so he stands up and mimes dancing.

The detective says, “Dancing on the bus, so the party started a bit early?”. The monkey nods energetically!

The detective says, “Well, that could certainly be distracting. This stupid monkey is actually helping. Can you tell us anything else, monkey?”. The monkey gestures as if he’s tipping back a bottle to drink from it.

The detective says, “Drinking, dancing and the highway, that’s bad news. Anything else?” The monkey puts his thumb and forefinger together to his lips and inhales noisily, then stares at the ceiling.

The detective says, “Marijuana? They were getting high, dancing and drinking?” The monkey nods enthusiastically!

The detective says, “This is really bad, but one hell of a smart monkey. Anything else happening on that bus?” The monkey bends down to the table, plugs one side of his nose and sniffs.

The detective says, “Holy shit. Cocaine on the highway, that’s incredible! It’s no wonder they crashed! What were you doing while all this was going on, monkey?”

The monkey looks over his right shoulder, puts his two hands up in front of him and swings them back and forth, as if handling a steering wheel.

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Dugly Schwartz is dying and on his deathbed.

He is surrounded by his nurse, his wife Kathy, his daughter and two sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them:

“Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses.”

“Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.”

“Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center.”

“Kathy, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown.”

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Dugly slips away, she says to the wife, “Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property.”

Sarah replies, “Property shmoperty…the schmuck had a newspaper route.

^^^^^^

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A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a large, diverse University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

“Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed,

“WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. All in all, he was in horrible shape. The rabbi looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

“““““

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Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the incident. he said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes. The man replied, great, give some to your husband the next time you see him , and tell him to keep away from my wife.

“““““

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