Month: December 2013

Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles.

As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back.

“Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter.

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down.

Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?”

The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.”

“““““

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In the Army they had to fire three of their generals.

They decided that a monetary compensation would be fitting, so they lined the three generals up and said:

“You will be paid a thousand dollars for each centimeter of distance you create from one body part to another”

The first general stretched his arms as far from each other as he possibly could, and said “Measure the distance from the fingertips on my left hand, to the fingertips on my right hand.” they paid the general and went on to the next.

The second general stretched his arms as far above his head as possible and said “Measure the distance from the tip of my fingers to the tip of my toes” he was paid, and left with even more money than the first general.

They got to the final general, who promptly said “I want you to measure the distance from my left nut to my right nut” The soldier with the measuring tape didn’t understand what was happening but did as he was told. A few moments later the confused soldier said “Sir, i don’t understand. I can only see your right nut”

The general said with a big smile on his face: “I know, i lost my left nut in ‘nam”

——-

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Bob and Jen decided to have a little Sunday afternoon quickie but had to figure out what to do with their 10-year-old son since they lived in a small apartment. They cleverly thought to send him out on the balcony and have him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.” A few moments passed.

“Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out. “Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.”

Mom and dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

“““““

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A blind man goes on vacation. He’s never been to Texas, and decides to check it out. He books his plane tickets, heads to the airport, and gets on the plane. When he sits in his seat, he’s amazed to discover that the seat is much bigger than any airplane seat he’s ever sat in.

“Wow, this seat is gigantic!” he says. “I can practically curl up and fit my whole body on this chair!”

The woman next to him says, “Sure, everything’s bigger in Texas, hun.”

The blind man lands at Dallas/Ft. Worth and catches a taxi to his hotel. He wants to go out and experience the city, but since it’s been a long day of travel, he decides to get a drink at the hotel bar first. He orders a beer, but instead of the pint he expects, the bartender hands him a mug that’s practically the size of a bucket.

“Damn,” the blind man says, “this beer is huge!”

The bartender says, “Oh yes sir, but you know everything’s bigger in Texas.”

Well, after a couple of hours, the blind man finishes his beer and it’s really gone straight to his bladder.

He slurs to the bartender, “My good man, could you point me towards the restroom in this fine establishment?”

The bartender says, “Sure, it’s right down that hall, third door on your right.”

The blind man makes his way down the hall, but in his state of inebriation (it was a lot of beer!), he misses the third door and opens the fourth instead, which happens to be the hotel swimming pool.

He slips and falls in and starts panicking and yelling “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
——-

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