I was hanging around the bars downtown when I ran into an old acquaintance, Bill. He asks, “You come down here often? I gotta show you this bum I met. He’s gotta be the dumbest SOB I’ve ever met.” We walk over to the corner where a man was standing with a cardboard sign. “Hey Dugly,” Bill greets the bum with a smile and holds up $5 and a $1 bill in each hand “which one ya want?”. Dugly instantly points to the $1 bill and Bill hands it over to him. Bill has his laugh and walk off, “I’ll meet you inside buddy. You try it with him, Dugly picks the smaller bill every time.” I asked Dugly, “You gotta know the $5 is worth more, but why did you take the $1?”. Dugly replies with a shrug, “If I take the $5, he would have stopped giving me money years ago”.

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens’ centre. After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano It was time for the Star of the Show- Harold the Hypnotist!

Harold explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time.” said Harold. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Harold carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

“I want you to keep your eyes on this watch” said Harold, holding the watch high for all to see. “It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations”, said Harold.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch — Watch the watch —-Watch the watch”

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, Suddenly, The chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact”

“SHIT” said Harold.
——-

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It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens’ Centre

A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, “Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know the range of her hearing.”

That night, he’s sitting on his easy chair in the living room while his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner. He estimates he’s about 30 feet away. In a normal tone of voice, he says, “What’s for dinner?”

She doesn’t respond, so he gets up and walks to the kitchen doorway, about 20 feet away, and asks, “What’s for dinner?”

She still doesn’t respond so he walks 10 feet closer and asks, “What’s for dinner?”

She still doesn’t say anything, so he gets right up beside her and asks, “What’s for dinner?”

She says, “For the fourth damn time we’re having chicken!”

“““““

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A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter.

As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t even pay for your sandwich!”

“Hey, man, I’m a PANDA!” the panda shouts back. “Look it up!

“The manager opens his dictionary and reads: “Panda: a tree-dwelling-mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white-coloring. Eats, shoots and leaves.”

“““““
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