My Grandpa Always told me.

Find a woman who is smart.

Find a woman who is great in bed.

Find a woman who loves you for who you are.

And make sure none of these women ever meet.

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth. Frogs are good bass bait, so, knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with a frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head. Then I took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

So, I grabbed some weed, and blew some smoke its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp.

I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake…with two frogs.

——-

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A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.

“Alright class, I’d like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you’re not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first.”

So Jamie excitedly stood up and said

“I went on a choo-choo!”

The teacher grimaced and replied

“No Jamie, you rode on a train. Remember, grown-up words. Sarah, you next. What did you do?”

Sarah stood up and exclaimed

“I went to see my granny!”

Again the teacher pulled a face and said

“No Sarah, you went to visit your Grandmother. You’re not in nursery any more, no baby words please. Jimmy, let’s hear you?”

Jimmy got up and said

“I read a book!”

The teacher smiled.

“Very good Jimmy! Can you remember what the book was called?”

Jimmy smiled with confidence and proudly shouted

“Winnie the SHIT.”

“““““

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I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to LA, and send one to Miami.”

She told me, “We can’t do that!”

I told her, “Well you did it last week!”

~Henny Youngman