A priest goes golfing with his sailor buddy one day.

The sailor took his first shot missed and said, “Fuck, I missed.” Surprised, the priest replied, “Don’t use that kind of language or god will strike you down.”

The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, “I fucking missed again.” The priest overheard and replied, “My son, please don’t use that language or god will strike you down.”

The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn’t help mutter, “Oh fuck, I missed”. The priest said, “That’s it god will certainly strike you down.”

Suddenly, the skies darkened, thunder boomed and a bolt of lightning came down…but it hit the priest. From the heavens a deep voice said, “Oh fuck I missed”.

——-

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One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks to choose.

The mans asks “How much is the yellow one?”

Assistant: “$2000”

The man is shocked and asks the assistant why is it so expensive. The assistant explains “He knows typewriting and type really fast”

“What about the red one?” The man asks

The assistant says “He costs $5000 becuase he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.”

“What about the Green one?” the man asks

The assistant says, “That one’s for $10,000.”

The man says, “and what does he do?”

The assistant replies, “I dont know, but the other two call him BOSS.”

“““““

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On long plane trip, a woman is sitting next to a lawyer. She wants to sleep, but the lawyer does not stop talking.

“Let’s play a game” – he suggests.

The woman ignores him.

“To make it interesting” – he continues – “if I answer incorrectly to your question, I’ll pay you $50. If you answer incorrectly to my question, you pay me $5.”

The woman agrees, and the lawyer asks the first question.

“What is the distance between Earth and the Moon?”

The woman hands him $5. Now it’s her turn.

“What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

The lawyer is astonished. He frantically surfs the Internet, searches his pocket encyclopedia and asks his scientist friends. He finds nothing. Hours later, when finally giving up looking for the answer, he wakes the woman, hands her $50 and asks:

“So, what is the answer?”

Without saying a word, she hands him $5 and goes back to sleep.

——-

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A man and a woman are having sex, when her husband comes home early.

“Quick, hide!” she says, so the man grabs his clothes and jumps into the closet. The man hears the hushed voice of a young boy.

“Sure is dark in here.”

“Indeed it is,” the man responds.

“I have a baseball,” says the boy.

“That’s nice,” he says.

“I’ll sell it to you for $50.”

“$50? That’s a little steep for a baseball, son.”

“Well, my dad has a shotgun. Wanna see that?”

“Tell you what, you have yourself a deal,” says the man, and he pays the kid $50.

A week later, the man and the woman are having sex, when once again the woman’s husband comes home early. Grabbing his clothes, the man jumps into the closet.

“Sure is dark in here,” says the boy.

“Oh, it’s you again.”

“I have a baseball glove.”

“Alright, how much do you want for it?”

“$700.”

“$700? That’s absurd!”

“Well, my dad has a shotgun. Would you rather see that?”

“Alright, alright, $700,” so he pays the kid.

That Sunday, the father says to his son, “Go get your mitt, let’s throw the ball around.”

The boy says, “I can’t, Dad. I sold my ball and glove.”

“For how much?” he asks.

“$750.”

“$750? Son, it’s wrong to rip off your friends. I’m taking you to church for confession.”

They drive to church and the boy kneels in the confession booth.

“Sure is dark in here,” he says.

The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”

——-

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