Joke of the Day: Police officer pulls over speeding car
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Joke of the Day: Police officer pulls over speeding car

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 90 m/h sir.’

The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’

The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’

The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’

The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’

The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up?

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’

The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’

“““““

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Joke of the Day: Irish Viagra
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Joke of the Day: Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s libido.

“What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor. “Not a chance,” she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.” “Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an “Irish Viagra. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

It wasn’t a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was terrible! Just terrible, doctor!”

“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?”

“‘Twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But as sure as I’m sitting here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

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Joke of the Day: In heaven
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Joke of the Day: In heaven

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter looks through his book and tells him “I don’t see any reason why we should let you in. You don’t seem to have done anything worthy in your life.”

The guy replies: “what about the time I was driving and saw a woman with a flat tire beside the road? A bunch of bikers had surrounded her and were giving her a hard time. I stopped and got out; they turned on me so I grabbed a tire iron and told the bikers to back off.”

St. Peter: “You really did that? When did this happen?”

The guy: “About 5 minutes ago!”

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Joke of the Day: She’s Paranoid
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Joke of the Day: She’s Paranoid

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I’m following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified?

Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it’s not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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