Month: October 2014

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”

The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”

The lion exclaims, “oh my god! It’s in the paper already?”
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So, an older gentleman with erectile dysfunction goes to the doctor. The doc scratches his chin and looks at him for a while, and then clicks his fingers. “I’ve got just the thing for you! This is a rather new medicine, having just cleared the last phases of clinical trial. You’ll feel like you’re twenty again!”

“Anything to get old Jimbob back in the league, doc” answers the man, depressed “my life ain’t the same no more”.

“I just have to tell you” warns the doctor “this drug is EXTREMELY powerful, if you feel you’re getting out of control, you MUST dip your member and ballsack in some ice cold water or you risk dire consequences!”

So the man shakes the doc’s hand, gets home, and before going into the house, swallows one of the small. yellow and quite inoffensive-looking pills he was given by the professional.
Suddenly, his pupils dilate, his throat tightens, his breath becomes more shallow, his muscles bulge, his ballsack thunders, and his penis gets harder than diamond nano-coating. He MUST find something to soothe his lust!!! He loses himself and kicks the door down.

His wife, who was watching TV, barely has time to look up before she gets ravished by the crazy horny bastard that used to be her husband.

Unconscious and drooling, the wife slides off the couch to the floor, while the husband, still not satisfied, jumps the housekeeper and does her in too.

The wife’s sister, who had witnesses everything, tries to run to no avail. She, too, is a victim to the lustful maniac.

The neighbor, the dog, the cat, the neighbor’s husband, the neighbor’s cat, the mailman, they fall one by one like domino pieces to the lustful frenzy of the man.

Finally sensing he’s really out of control, he runs to the fridge to get some ice cold water, but all he can find is a bowl of cold milk. He sinks his dick in the bowl and sighs in immediate relief.
The housekeeper, who was limping past the door, saw him and stopped abruptly, eyes wide with fear, screaming:

“FUCK!! EVERYONE RUN THE FUCK AWAY! HE’S RELOADING!!!”

“““““

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A young cowboy walks into the saloon. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, “If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?”

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, “Nah, go ahead.”

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the congee back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”

——-

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A man rings the police “Help, there’s someone in my back shed, stealing my tools!”

He’s told by the police officer on duty “Sorry Sir, there’s no units available. Stay inside your house and lock the door”

He calls back shortly after; “It’s me again. You know that man that was in my shed? Don’t worry about it. I’ve shot him.”

A dozen units show up within minutes, lights flashing, sirens blaring and the police catch the burglar in the act. A furious policeman marches up to the old man “I thought you said you’d shot him?!”

He replies; “And I thought you said there were no police units available”.

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