A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks up and says “Hey koala what are you doing?”

The koala answers “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.” The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the crocodile asks, “What’s wrong with you, lizard?”

The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink. The crocodile has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala.

When they get back to the tree, the crocodile looks up at the koala and says “Hey, you.”

The koala looks down and says “Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?”

. . . . . . . .

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A man who just turned 105 is getting interviewed by the paper.

Journalist: “So John, congratulations on turning 105, we are writing a story about your everyday life. What is the first thing you do in the morning?”

John: “I take a piss…..oooh I piss so much!”

Journalist: “Okay John, but I can’t write that in the paper, what’s the second thing you do in the morning?”

John: “I shit, oh boy do I shit!”

Journalist: “John, come on, I can’t write that in the paper either, what’s the third thing you do in the morning?”

John: “I get out of bed..!”

Journalist: “Thank you”

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A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night’s dinner on his way home.

The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were.

The produce guy didn’t know what he was talking about, so the husband said: “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?”

To which the produce guy replied, “No, sir, you will have to do that yourself.”

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A man gets pulled over by the police. He was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replied, “That would be my wife.”

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