Month: June 2015

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a “thank you” card and a dozen roses waiting for him at the door. Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.” The cop left happy. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a “thank you” card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

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A woman brings her pet duck into the vet and patiently waits for the vet to signal she’s next.

A short time later the vet signals to the lady that he is ready for her, and the vet directs her into the next room.

Once inside, the vet closes the door behind her and asks what she has come in for.

The lady gently lays her duck onto the table and tells the vet that her beloved pet is sick.

The vet nodded silently to the woman and began to examine the motionless animal, looking the duck up and down.

After just a few seconds of this the vet takes a step back and says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but this duck is dead.”

The woman exclaims, “What? You’ve barely examined him! Is there anything else you can do? He’s not dead, he’s just sick! I’m sure of it!”

The vet exhales and reluctantly proceeds to the door, opens it, and leads in a large dog.

The vet then motions for the dog to get on the table, after which the dog begins to sniff the duck up and down. The duck still lays motionless.

After a few minutes of this the dog hops back down, walks back over to the vet and nods his head.

The vet leads the dog back out of the room but this time returns with a cat.

The vet leads the cat to the duck, and in a similar fashion the cat begins to sniff the duck up and down.

After a minute or two, the cat jumps off the table, walks to the vet, and nods his head. All the while the duck still remains lifeless on the table.

The vet leads the cat out of the room and returns shortly with a bill for the woman.

The vet hands the woman the bill and tells her, “I’m sorry, but your pet is dead, there’s nothing more we can do ma’am.”

The woman seems to accept the fate of her beloved pet but is soon outraged when she sees the bill.

“120 dollars??” She exclaims. “How are you going to charge me 120 dollars for just telling me my duck is dead?”

“Well ma’am, it would have only been 20 dollars if you would have taken my word for it, but the lab test and cat scan cost extra.”

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An engineer dies and is sent to hell. He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.

One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what’s up?

The Devil says, “Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.”

“What?” says God. “An engineer? I didn’t send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.”

The Devil responds, “No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.”

God demands, “If you don’t send him to me immediately, I’ll sue!”

The Devil laughs. “Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

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A man wakes up at home with an awful hangover after a long night of drinking. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. “Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!” Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

He asks, “Son, what happened last night?” His son says, “Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door”. Confused, the man asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!” His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, “LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I’M MARRIED!”

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