Joke of the Day: Funny Quotes
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Joke of the Day: Funny Quotes

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
~Margaret Mead

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
~Ron White

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
~Isaac Asimov

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
~Mitch Hedberg

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
~Mark Twain

A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
~Oliver Herford

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
~Winston Churchill

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
~Terry Pratchett

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
~Anthony Burgess

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Joke of the Day: Flight from LA to Miami
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Joke of the Day: Flight from LA to Miami

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to Miami.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay” says the lawyer, “your turn.”

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?” The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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Joke of the Day: Ready for marriage
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Joke of the Day: Ready for marriage

A young man finds the perfect girl from his small village for marriage.

He asks his father for his blessings, but the father tells him that he was screwing around in his youth, and that the girl he wants to marry is in fact his sister.

The young man devastated but still wanting to get married suggests his next door neighbor’s daughter. The father tells him with apologetic tone that she is also his sister.

The young man storms out crying and finds his mother outside. She asks him what’s up and he tells her the story. She tells him with her motherly soft voice: “Son, go marry any girl you want, that man is not your father”.

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Joke of the Day: On the highway
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Joke of the Day: On the highway

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom.

When suddenly a dildo falls of the truck in front of them and hits the windshield

The little girl asks: Mommy, what was that?

The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: It was just a bug honey.

The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: It sure had a big dick.

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