Month: June 2016

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

the old lady said…. “well, Not everybody pays.”

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A man runs out of gas while driving through rural Iowa. His cell phone dead, he walks along the highway until he finds a farmhouse. He knocks on the door, and an old farmer offers to fuel up his car after they finish dinner, which he kindly invites him to.

While enjoying his meatloaf and company of the farmer and his wife, the man looks out the window and sees a one-legged pig wriggling around in the mud like a earthworm.

“Say if you don’t mind me asking,” says the traveler, “what’s the story behind that pig out there? Looks like he’s seen better days.”

The wife puts down her glass of milk, and excitedly responds, “golly, you should have seen what that pig has been through. He’s a damn hero! Three years ago, the chicken coop got hit by a tornado. Well this little feller, he runs out into the storm and pulls out every single chicken before it was smashed to pieces.”

Impressed, the traveler responds, “Wow, that’s incredible! I take it that’s how he lost his legs?”

“Now just wait til you hear this,” says the farmer. “Back in July, our grain silo got hit by lightning, and it damn near went up in flames when our grandson was in there stomping down the grain. As god as my witness, this pig climbed up the ladder and pulled him out before the whole damn thing collapsed.”

Fascinated, the traveler interjects “Golly! So then that must be how he lost his legs, right?”

“Nope, he came out of that unscathed,” says the wife.

“Well then tell me, what the hell happened to him?!”

The old farmer casually responds, “well you don’t eat a pig like that all at once.”

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