A man and his wife are woken up at 3 am by a knock on the door. The husband goes downstairs to answer it, and finds a drunk on his porch soaked from the heavy rain outside.

“Can I help you?” asks the husband.

“Yes I’d like a ‘push’ please,” replies the drunk.

The husband replies, “Not a chance, it’s 3 in the morning!” and slams the door shut in the stranger’s face.

“Who was that?” asks the wife as he returns to bed.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a ‘push’,” replies the husband.

“Did you help him?” she asks

“Absolutely not! It’s 3 in the morning and it’s pouring out there!” he responds.

“Well you have a short memory, ” says the wife. “Don’t you remember about 3 months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and be ashamed of yourself! Even drunks deserve a chance.”

“You’re right, ” admits the husband. Ashamed, he puts on a coat and runs outside in the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” He calls out once again.

“Yes please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here…..on the swing,” replied the drunk.

——-

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The college teacher noticed that his exchange student, Marco, suddenly had started attracting a lot of female attention.

So, one day he asks Marco about his secret. Marco replies: “Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer”.

Later that day, the college teacher gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower – a welcome opportunity for sex. So, he quickly undresses and starts banging his dick against the dresser, just before hearing his wife calling from the shower:

“Is that you, Marco?”.

“““““

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Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: “Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I’ve recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!”

The other Syrian simply replies with: “Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt.”

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Henry and his wife Betty went to the state fair every year, and every year Betty would say, “Henry, I’d like to ride in that helicopter”.

Henry always replied, “I know Betty, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars — and 50 dollars is 50 dollars”.

One year Henry and Betty went to the fair, and Betty said, “Henry, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

Henry replied, “Betty that helicopter is 50 dollars — and 50 dollars is 50 dollars”.

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s 50 dollars.”

Henry and Betty agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Betty and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”

Betty replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Henry fell out, but you know — 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

——-

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