Two rednecks are at a bar when one says to the other, “You know what? I’m gonna go back and finish my degree!” His friend agrees this is a good idea, and so the next day he goes to his local community college to enroll in some classes. He goes to the office of the registrar and tells the man, “Howdy! I’d like to finish my degree!” The registrar looks up his transcript and informs the man he only needs three classes to receive his diploma: English, history, and logic.

“Ok…I get the English and the history, but what on Earth is logic?” asks the man.

“I’ll explain by example! Do you, sir, own a lawnmower?”

“Yessir I do.”

“So that would mean you have a lawn, correct?”

“Yessir.”

“If you have a lawn, you certainly have a house, no?”

“…yeah…”

“Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but if you have a house, with a lawn and a lawnmower, you must have a family with whom you reside?”

“Well I’ll be damned!”

“But that’s not all! Having a family would mean you have a wife, and thus you, being a male yourself, are heterosexual. Or am I wrong?”

“I can’t believe it! You got all that from one stupid question? This class is gonna be great!”

So the man enrolls in the classes and heads home. A few days later he’s at the bar with his friend again when he tells him that he’s enrolled in some classes: English, history, and logic.

“Logic?” asks his friend. “What on Earth is that?”

“I’ll explain with an example, buddy! Do you own a lawnmower?”

“No.”

“Well then, you’re a faggot!”

——-

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English lady looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little GeGe is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The lady shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

——-

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Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck. Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet his two newest eternal residents, and despite rivers of lava and torrents of brimstone, they’re standing around in jackets.

“Not hot enough for you?” asked the Devil. “What, this? Nah, this is like a Spring day in Chicago.”

The Devil doesn’t take lightly to such a slight, so he decides to really turn things up. The renewed eternal hellfire and inferno has made the screams of the tormented souls in hell even louder. Rivers of lava overflowing their banks. The Devil goes to check on his two Chicagoans, and sure enough he sees them lounging in shorts and t-shirts.

“Not hot enough for you?” the devil queries bewilderedly. “What, this? Nah, this is like a July in Chicago. In fact, I think the humidity was worse in the summer of ’96.”

The Devil is even more incensed. He comes up with a new idea. Turn the thermostat way down. The cursed souls in Hell are greeted by new but equally unbearable type of torture. The lava stops flowing, brimstone stops glowing, and wouldn’t you know it, the ground they stand on has frozen solid.

The Devil again searches out his two Chicagoans, and to his dismay, they’re hugging and cheering.

“What’s this all about!?” the Devil roared.

“THEY’VE DONE IT, IT’S FINALLY HAPPENED, THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!”

——-

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A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway. The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.

The cop asks, “Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?”

The old lady responds, “I was just going the posted speed limit!” and points to a sign up ahead.

The cop smiles and says, “That’s not the speed limit sign, that’s the sign for this highway — Route 20!”

One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, “We tried to tell you, Eugenia!”

The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.

“What’s the matter?” the cop asks.

She responds, “We just came off of Interstate 190.”

——-

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