A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.

The cop asks the lawyer “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“I haven’t the foggiest idea,” said the lawyer.

The cop replied, “You didn’t make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down.”

The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, “If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I’ll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?”

The cop ponders it shortly before nodding his head. “Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?”

Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the cop pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, “Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?”

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It was Monday morning in Ms. Hill’s kindergarten class, and the kids were taking turns telling the class how they spent their weekend.

Adam raised his hand and said, “I went on a choo-choo!”

Ms. Hill replied, “Very nice Adam, but let’s try to use grown-up words. You went on a train.”

Lisa was next to raise her hand. “I went to the pet store and got a new kitty.”

Again, Ms. Hill reminded the children to use grown-up words. “Lisa, you got a new cat.”

Finally Johnny raised his hand and said, “I read a book with my aunt.” Ms. Hill said, “That’s wonderful! Do you remember the name of the book?”

Johnny stood up tall and proudly exclaimed, “Winnie the Shit!”

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A young man named Dugly bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dugly’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Dugly replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Dugly said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

Dugly said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’

Dugly said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’

A month Later, the farmer met up with Dugly and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’

Dugly said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Dugly said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’

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A philosophy professor wants to do a lasting final lecture before retiring, so he chooses to teach about the meaning of life. He gets into the classroom and puts a big empty jar on the table.

He starts to fill the jar with cobble to the top and asks the class whether the jar is filled or not. They answer that it is. He then begins to put smaller stones in and asks again, is the glass full. Again the answer is yes. He then puts sand into the jar and the students start wondering. One student asks: “But prof, what does this all have to do with the meaning of life?”.

The professor then begins to explain, well the cobbles are the important things in your life, your health, family, friends and so on, the smaller stones are the less important things like exams and the sand is the small stuff in life like getting your hair cut, going to parties and the like. You see you should start with the important stuff and there will always be time for the small stuff. But when you start with the small stuff there won’t be space for the important things. The class starts to applaud and everyone is impressed how clever of a lesson it was. The professor interrupts them by opening a beer and then another one, the students look at him puzzled. He then pours the beer in the jar and says: “No matter what there’s always space for two beers.”

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