Wife and Cocktails

A wife promised her husband she’d be home by midnight when she went out drinking with her friends.
“I’ll be home by midnight, I promise.” She said.

The hours passed as the cocktails went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m. and a bit loaded, she headed home. Just as she walked into the door the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and ‘cuckooed’ 3 times. Quickly realizing that her husband might wake up, the wife cuckooed another 9 times.

She was proud of herself for coming up with such a quick witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

“Even smashed, 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equals 12 cuckoos. That’s midnight!” She thought.

The next morning the husband asked his wife what time she got home last night.

“Midnight!” She replied. The husband didn’t seem pissed in the least so she thought she’d gotten away with it.

Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” She asked him why and he said, “Well, last night our clock ‘cuckooed’ 3 times then said, ‘Oh shit’, ‘cuckooed’ 4 times, cleared it’s throat, ‘cuckooed’ 3 times, giggled, ‘cuckooed’ twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.


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Mental Hospital

Tom and Sarah were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Tom suddenly veered sideways and jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Sarah immediately jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Sarah’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as Sarah’s good deeds indicated that she was mentally stable.

When she went to tell Sarah the news she said, ‘Sarah, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of a person in crisis… I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Tom hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Sarah replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?’


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Bikers at truck stop

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man’s pie, and then he took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man’s milk, and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man’s plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?” The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.


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Gorilla at the zoo

A female gorilla is alone in a cage at the zoo. She has become very cranky due to her isolation and has become increasingly aggressive. Her problematic behavior has become a concern of the zookeeper who decides to try to fix it. While trying to come up with a solution he notices the janitor, a very sleazy redneck type and gets an idea. He walks over to him and asks:

“Would you be willing to.. perhaps have sex with a gorilla for 500 dollars?”

The janitor thinks about it for a while and agrees but on 3 conditions.

“First!” He says, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Understood?”

“Yes.” Says the zookeeper.

“Second!” The janitor says, “I don’t want anyone to know about this!”

“Alright” says the zookeeper, “And what’s the third condition?”

“I’m going to need a little bit more time to come up with the 500 dollars.”


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