A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye “I’m going to sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse isn’t back where I left it, I’m gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don’t wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!”

True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink, sits in the [silent] bar and finishes his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he’s just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, “mister? What was it you had to do in Texas?” The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, “I had to walk home.”

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An Italian politician invites his Greek politician friend over for a visit. The Greek pulls up in front of an elegant manor house and is welcomed by the staff. He walks in through a foyer with marble floors and a huge marble staircase with ornamental banisters and a crystal chandelier. They walk through to a lovely veranda overlooking the river, and sit down to eat.

The Greek is very impressed with everything and asks “How did you manage to get this place?” The Italian points to a shoddy concrete bridge over the river and says “See that bridge over there? It was supposed to be a steel suspension bridge, but we found a lower bidder to build that one instead, and with all the extra money I was able to buy this!” The Greek compliments his friend on the house, they finish a delicious meal while talking about various politics, and the next day they part ways.

Several months later the Greek invites the Italian over. The Italian arrives at an enormous estate with a marble facade. He walks in to see an even bigger staircase, and a banister and chandelier that are trimmed in 24 karat gold! They sit down for a meal on a huge terrace with a staggering view of the harbor. The Italian is completely blown away, so he asks his friend “How on earth did you afford this place? It’s fantastic!” The Greek says “Well, see that bridge over there?” The Italian says “What bridge?”

——-

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Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday’s droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants and did his business in the exact same spot in hopes of seeing how many flies he could gather.

After a couple weeks of doing this, Bobby had created a rather tall pile of dung. So tall, in fact, that he now needed to use a step ladder to make sure he had a stable poo-pole developing. A curious neighbor caught sight of Bobby doing this, and after confronting Bobby, the neighbor punched Bobby in the face and told him to grow the hell up.

Over the next few days, word of Bobby’s droppings had spread around town. It started with just a few people a day coming up to Bobby, punching him in the face, and telling him the errs of his way. It wasn’t long until there was a line of over 50 people waiting to see Bobby’s poo-pole and to subsequently punch him in the face. The line moved pretty slowly, however, and someone towards the back of the line had to take care of some business of his own. Not wanting to leave his spot, he dropped his pants answered nature’s call right then and there.

The stench of his droppings spread quickly throughout the line. One gentleman towards the front of the line caught its stench when he saw Bobby’s creation, admiration spreading across his face. The man at the front of the line turned around and said “that was a good shit post, but this punchline stinks.”

——-

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An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

‘Twenty pounds,’ she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They’re going ‘at it’ for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

‘What’s going on here, people?’ asks the cop.

‘I’m making love to me wife,’ Paddy answers sounding annoyed.

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ says the cop, ‘I didn’t know.’

‘Well, neither did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!’

——-

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