After spending an hour at the mall I was ready to head home, but as I exited into the parking lot I saw a police officer writing a ticket.

“Hey, what gives?!” I exclaimed, hoping for some kind of explanation.

Without saying a word, the cop pointed to the no parking sign above the spot and continued writing the ticket.

“Don’t you have anything better to do? I know everyone hates traffic cops but you, my friend, are the biggest asshole of the bunch.”

Having completed the first ticket, the police officer began writing another for an expired registration. His calm silence was irritating to say the least, and I decided that the only sensiblw thing to do was up the stakes.

“Oh, I’ll bet that makes you feel big you pencil pushing little prick! Are your parents proud of their son’s “career?” For the sake of humanity I hope you never reproduce, those worthless kids would wind up just as pathetic as their father.”

This must have struck a nerve, because without saying a word the cop removed his baton and smashed the driver side headlight. He then began writing another ticket for the broken light.

“What the fuck did you just do to my Mercedes you piece of shit? This car is worth more than you’ll ever make on your shitty traffic cop salary! Clearly you don’t know who I am, you’d be on your knees sucking my cock and begging me for forgiveness.”

After a brief pause, the police officer then proceeded to smash the windshield and driver side window. He then walked over to the rear windshield and started going at it. The car was beginning to look like a junk heap and the officer, still silent, continued writing more tickets.

“You absolute jackass! How could any human being be so fucking stupid??? I hope you’re ready to start looking for jobs flipping burgers!”

“Worth it,” replied the cop, who continued battering the once beautiful specimen of automotive innovation.

Content that the silence had finally been broken, I turned away and started walking to the exit of the parking area. While I would have loved to stay and see the outcome, I wasn’t about to miss my bus home.

“““““

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My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, “No, it’s my first time.”

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

“Just a minute.” she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.

“You like these?”

I could only nod my head.

She said to put the condom on.

As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down.

“Come on.” she said. “We don’t have much time.”

So I climbed on her.

It was so amazing that I couldn’t hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes!

She looked at me concerned and asked, “Did you put the condom on?”

I said, “I sure did!”

…and held up my thumb to show her.

——-

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During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”

The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Phil.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

——-

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Donald Trump dies and when he gets to hell he sees the Devil. The Devil says to him, “Donald we’ve been expecting you. Unfortunately we are full right now and don’t have room for you. But if you want I’ll show you three rooms I could make available to you.”

Trump agrees and the Devil opens the door to the first room and they see Richard Nixon endlessly diving into a pool of water and getting out. Over and over again. That is how he is spending eternity.

Trump says, “Well I can’t do that. That would mess up my hair.”

On they go. The Devil opens the door to the second room and there is Ronald Reagan swinging a sledge hammer all day long at a rock wall. Everyday this is what he does.

Once again Trump says, “Well I can’t do that. I have a bad shoulder.”

So then the Devil brings Trump to the third and final room. He opens the door and there is Bill Clinton getting a blow job from Monica Lewinsky.

Upon seeing this Trump is ecstatic. He says to the Devil, “This looks great! I will definitely take this room.”

The Devil then puts his head in the room and says,”Alright Monica, your time is done here.”

“““““

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