Month: May 2018

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

Husband: Well you don’t remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had wet its diapers and you said,

“Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.”

“““““

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After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they’d had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. “Me’n my cousin don’t want no more kids”

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. “There is a cheaper option,” said the vet. “Go home, find yourself a cherry bomb, light it up and put it in a Coors Lite can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.”

“I ain’t no rocket surgeon,” said the redneck, “but how’s that gonna help me?”

“Trust me” said the vet.

So the redneck went home, drained a beer then stuffed a lit cherry bomb in the empty can. He brought it up to his ear and began to count:

“1… 2… 3… 4… 5…”

Once he got to five, he stopped for a second, put the can between his legs, and resumed the count on his other hand.

——-

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A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her big right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, “Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman’s boob is hanging out of her blouse.”

But, as he got closer, it became apparent her tit really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, “Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”

“Why, officer?” the woman asked.

“Well,” said the officer, “Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse.”

The woman quickly looked down and screamed, “Oh my God! I left my baby on the bus!”

“““““

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A business man met a beautiful kurvy woman and agreed to spend the night with her for $800. So they did.

Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to beautiful kurvy woman, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”

On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.

I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the kurvy woman immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady!