Month: June 2018

A Mormon was seated next to a Irishman on a plane.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to NYC.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

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A man dies, and wakes up on a beach. There is nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy.

Suddenly, Satan comes up to him. “Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me.” he says.

The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole.

The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. “Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What’s that about?”

“Oh,” Satan says, “that’s for the Christians, they want it that way.”

——-

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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work. Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding down the road,the police officer pulls out, sirens blazing. The man pulls over as soon as he notices.

The police officer walks up to the car and asks, “Sir, do you know how fast I just clocked you at?”

The man replied, “Probably too fast, officer. I’m sorry, I’m really late for work and I had an important client coming in for an appointment..”

The officer cuts him off, saying, “What is it exactly you do that warrants that kind of rush?”

The man replied, “Well sir, I’m an asshole stretcher.”

“A what??”

“An asshole stretcher. People pay for my services in doing exactly that. Today we were going to go through the steps of my client’s upcoming procedure.”

“Why would he need that explained, though?”

“Well, it’s a fairly long, strenuous, and complicated process, requiring thousands of dollars of expensive equipment and the knowledge of how to use all of it. This particular client was going to be my most challenging procedure yet, as he wanted me to stretch his asshole to around six feet!”

The officer seemed rather perplexed at this point. After a long, awkward silence, he asks, “But what the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?”

The man replied, “You give them radar guns and put them under bridges.”

“““““

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Stevie Wonder calls Tiger Woods and says

“how do you fancy a round of golf”

Tiger says “I didn’t think you would be able to play Stevie”

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.

Tiger says “you have to understand Stevie I am a pro golfer, it will be too much of a mismatch”

Stevie says” OK well tell you what, a million dollars says I win or are you chicken”

Tiger says “OK done, when do you want to play?”

Stevie says “any night this week”

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