Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy,

“I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”

So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.

“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.

“Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Murphy.

——-

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An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit walks up to his table and asks if he is ready to order.

“What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.” The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?”

Again, the old man thoroughly checks her out and answers, “I’d like a quickie, please.”

This time, the waitress’s anger takes over — she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche.'”

——-

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A Marine major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a soldier .

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The soldier thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

“Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”

“That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

Amused, the major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.”

“And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant.”

“That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir. There is no effin’ lieutenant.”

——-

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After 3 years, the wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

Husband: Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diapers and you said, “Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.”

——-

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