Month: August 2018

Phil, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.

His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.

He was late getting home and was speeding… Wouldn’t you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge.

Phil pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, “You know how fast you were going, boy?” Phil thought for a second and said, “Uh, 60?” “67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!” said the cop.

“But if you already knew, officer,” replied Phil, “why did you ask me?” Fuming over Phil’s answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, “That’s speeding, and you’re getting a ticket and a fine!”

The cop took a good close look at Phil in his stained fishing attire and said, “You don’t even look like you have a job!

Why, I’ve never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!” Phil answered, “I’ve got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!” The cop leaned in the window, smelling Phil’s fish, and said, “What kind of job would a bum like you have?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher!” replied Phil. “What did you say, boy?” asked the patrolman. “I’m a rectum stretcher!” The cop, scratching his head, asked, “What does a rectum stretcher do?” Phil explained, “People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it’s a full six feet across.”

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, “What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?”

Phil said, “You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!”

——-

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A son goes up to his father, and just turning 16, asks him “Dad, can I take the car? I’d really like to take this girl on a date.” His father looks at him, and says “Son, if you want to take my car, there are three things I’m going to need from you. First is that you need to start helping your mother around the house. Not just what’s expected, but above and beyond. Second, start reading the Bible. I see the crap you continuously funnel into your brain, and you need to start reading something beneficial to yourself. Third, get a haircut. I’m tired of having a son that thinks he’s a rock star and that it’s cool to have long hair.” “Yes sir.” Is all that the son says, and moves along.

Over the course of the next week, the son starts doing what his father has asked of him, and feels as though he’s done a good job. So he once again goes up to his dad to ask about the car.

“Dad, do you have a second to talk about me taking the car out this weekend? I really want to take this girl out on a date.” He asks. His father replied “Son, your mom told me that there’s been some obvious changes with the way you help out around the house. Like how the other day, you cleaned out the garage without being asked. Good job on that. Also, the other night as I walked down the hallway, I noticed your lamp was on, so I peeked in and it looked to me as if you were reading the Bible.”

The son says, “Yes sir, I was…. So about the car?”

His father looks at him, then back down at the morning paper and simply replies “Haircut.”
The son, being too attached to his long locks, wracked his brain for a moment, then says “Well Dad, I’ve been thinking, after reading the Bible a bit, I’ve noticed that the apostles, and even Jesus himself had long hair.”

And without looking up, the father says, “Well yes son, that is true, but they also had to walk their asses everywhere.”

——-

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An elderly couple stands at the counter at the local fast food joint. The man orders a deluxe burger, large fries, and a cup of decaf. The counter clerk turns to the woman and asks her what she would like.

“Oh, nothing for me, deary. My husband and I share everything.’”

The clerk hits a key on the register and tells the couple that the cost of the meal is $4.98.
The old man reaches into his pockets and pulls out a handful of coins. Slowly and carefully, without a penny to spare, he counts out the exact amount and hands it to the cashier.

A young man standing behind the couple watches this. As the clerk assembles the couple’s order, he leans forward and says, “I’d be honored to buy you another burger and fries.”

The old man turns to the young man and says, “Thank you, but my wife and I share everything.”
The old man carries the tray of food to a table and they sit. Carefully, he cuts the burger in half, divides the fries into two equal portions, and passes half of the food to the woman. He sets the decaf in the center of the table so they can both reach it. Then he begins to eat.

A few minutes later, the young man sits down at the table next to them. As he gobbles down his food, he notices that, while the elderly man eats, the woman is quietly sipping decaf. When he looks at her food, he sees that she hasn’t eaten a single bite. Again, he leans toward the couple and says, “I really would be honored to buy you another meal.’”

The old man says, “No, thank you. We share everything,” and calmly resumes eating.

“I just hate to see you go hungry,” the young man laments to the woman.

“Oh, I’m not going hungry,” the old woman says. “I’m waiting for the teeth.”

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.”

Second Bull: “I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.”

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I’m keeping all 10 of my cows.”

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they’ve ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: “I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend.”
Second Bull: “I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: “Son, don’t be foolish — let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

Third Bull: “Hell, he can have all my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull.”

——-

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