Month: November 2018

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Miller stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
(You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.)

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”(Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.)

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
(All the men sighed with unified relief.)

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Phil Miller.” The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum.”

——-

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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb’s still broken.

——-

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A college girl brings her new boyfriend home to meet the family. Her father takes him aside for a chat,

“You seem like a nice enough fellow young man, what do you study?’

“I’m a theology major sir.” Answers the young man.

“I see,If you don’t mind my asking, where will you live with my little girl after you get married?”

“God will provide.”

“What will you do for a living? How are you going to earn enough to put food on the table?”

“God will provide”

At the end of the evening, the girl goes up to her father and says ” Daddy,I really like him, what do you think of him ?”

The father responds,”He seems like a nice enough fellow, but he seems to think I’m god.”

“““““

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I was visiting my cousin and he just blew through a red light.

I yelled, “Are you crazy?!”

He waved me off, saying, “It’s OK, my brother does it all the time.”

The next light was red too, and he just sailed on through again.

“You’re gonna get us killed,” I shouted.

And he again replied, “It’s OK, my brother does it all the time.”

The next light was green, so I was feeling better, but my cousin slammed on the brakes.

I asked, “Now what?”

He said, “Gotta be careful, my brother might be coming the other way.”

——-

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