Hitting on beautiful woman in airport lounge
description

Hitting on beautiful woman in airport lounge

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she’s wearing a uniform, she’s probably an off-duty Flight Attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve”? The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world”?

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations”? The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the fuck do you want”? “Aha”, he says,… “United Airlines”.

“““““

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I proposed to my Russian girlfriend
description

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to my brides home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, “You may now kiss the bride”, but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn’t mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, “You may now kiss the bride!” My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.

As we walked away I asked, “Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?”

My wife answered,

“In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!”

“““““

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Boy visiting his grandparents
description

Boy visiting his grandparents

A young boy named Johnny is visiting his grandparents, he and his grandfather are watching a movie while Johnny sits on his lap.

Johnnys grandfather then proceeds to light a cigarette and Johnny asks if he can try. So his grandfather asks:

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

“No”

“Then you are not old enough to try”

Later the same scenario happens but it is with a beer instead, when Johnny asks if he can try the same question was asked:

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

“No”

“Then you are not old enough to try”

A few hours later Johnny comes back in with a couple cookies that his grandmother made for him, his grandfather asks if he can have one and Johnny replies with:

“Does your dick touch your asshole?”

The grandfather smiles and proudly answers:

“Yes, in fact it does”

“Good, then you can go fuck yourself because grandma made these for me!”

“““““

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Prison escape plan
description

Prison escape plan

Ray is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Mike.

After taking some time to size Mike up and decide that he can trust him, Ray tells Mike about his plan to escape.

“You see, ” Ray says “for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it’s components.” Mike is skeptical, but intrigued.

Ray continues: “For the last five years, I’ve been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It’s perfect, because the guards just think it’s rats chewing on it.”

So Mike asks, “Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?”

Ray says “Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we’ll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers.”

Mike, disgusted, says “You have got to be kidding me!”

And Ray says “I shit. You knot.”

“““““

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