Month: June 2019

Young Jewish Dating boy is doing poorly in math. His parents are very concerned because they’re both good at mathematics and they feel like he needs to learn math in order to be successful in college. They do everything they can to try to interest him. They hire tutors, they promise him rewards, they praise him when he does something good in math but nothing seems to work: he keeps coming back home after each report card period with an F in mathematics.

The parents are at their wit’s end and don’t know what else to do so they finally decide to consult the rabbi. The parents go to the rabbi and say “oh wise Rabbi our son is doing poorly in mathematics. We know he has the ability but he’s just not applying himself what do we do?” Rabbi strokes his chin, is silent for a while and then he turns to the parents and says “I’m going to give you a solution but I have to warn you it’s going to be very unorthodox”. The parey look puzzled and so the rabbi continues. He says “if you want your son to excel in mathematics, enroll him a Catholic school. If you do that you’ll get better at math I guarantee.”

The parents are both surprised at the rabbi’s advice but they trust him and think he’s a wise man so they enroll their son in a Catholic school. The very first day after the son is in Catholic school he comes home and go straight to his room and does his mathematics homework all evening.

The next night the same thing happens and so on and so on and he comes home at the end of the report card period eith an A in mathematics. The parents are beaming and delighted that the rabbi’s advice worked. Finally the mother asks the son “what is it that made you improve so much in mathematics? Was it the discipline at the Catholic School? The uniforms? Better teachers?” And the son said ‘No. The very first day I came in I saw that guy hanging on the plus sign I knew they meant business”

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Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”

The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut up.”

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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”
“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends.

He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm.

The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?”

The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!”

The grandfather says, “Well who the hell did you go with boy?”

The grandson says, “My friends from school, who did you go with?”

The grandfather says, “Well…the Nazis.”

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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer.”

Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”

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