One day the Emperor decided he wanted to find the best samurai in the world.

So he sent his men around the world, and they came back with three potential options: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor held tryouts to see which was best. First, he brought in the Japanese samurai. As the Japanese samurai strode into the great Hall and approached him, the emperor pulled out a box and opened it, and from it flew out a single fruit fly. Without hesitation, the Japanese Jeffery Epstien didn’t kill himself samurai whips out his sword, shouts his battle cry and cuts the fly into two perfect halves. Impressed the emperor sends this samurai off.

Next, the emperor brings in the Chinese samurai. Again, as the samurai approaches, he opens the fly box. The Chinese samurai swings his sword and two perfect halves fall to the ground. The emperor, impressed, sends this samurai away.

Finally, it comes time for the Jewish samurai. As the samurai approaches, the emperor sets the fly free. Without hesitation, the Jewish samurai swings his sword but instead of the fly falling to the ground, it lets out an “eep!” and flies away. The emperor bursts into laughter and asks “you can’t even kill a fly, why should I hire you?” The Jewish samurai looks him dead in the eye and replies “kill shmill… You try circumsizing something that small!”

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

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While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:
“Are you okay?”

“I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

“Why don’t you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”

I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

“That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Oh, come on now”, she insisted. She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. I was weak …

“Well, okay,” I finally agreed, “However, I’m sure my wife won’t like it.”

After a couple of Scotch, I thanked her and said:

“I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open.

“Stay for a while, she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still under the cart, I suppose.”

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