Month: February 2020

Agnes married and had 13 children.

When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. So during a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen ?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure.’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’, she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast?’

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Four surgeons are discussing about who they like to operate on.

The first one says “I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up, everything is sorted alphabetically”

The second one says “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is numbered and organized”

The third one says “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded”

The fourth one says “Guys come on, operating on politicians is the best and clearly the easiest”

The other three are looking at each other in disbelief. One of them asks why. So the surgeon says “They are heartless, gutless, spineless and heads and asses are interchangeable!”

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.

Pump attendant who knows absolutely nothin abt golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” & bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“Wat are those?, asks the attendant. “They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, wat on this God’s earth are dey for?” Inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “Mercedes thinks of everything !”

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