A married couple are desperate for money so they decide to smuggle animals on a flight overseas to a private buyer.
The husband has a rattlesnake duct taped to his leg and puts his pants back on.
He hands his wife a skunk and tells her to hide it up under her skirt.
?Uh.. i do not know if this is a good idea.. what about the smell?” She argues.
?Don’t worry. It’ll soon get used to it”
“””””
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Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says,” You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.“
“Oh, what’s it called?” asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute,” Uhm…I…er…”
Obviously having a senior moment he says,” What’s that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine’s day?”
The other man says,” You mean the rose?”
His friend lets out a gleeful,” Yes! That’s it, a rose!”
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife,” Rose! What’s the name of that place we ate at last night?”
“””””
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There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.
News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.
John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip”
The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, “Whatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death grip”.
Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, “I didn’t see… Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?”
With heavy breath, John told him “Well coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them.”
“What???” Said the coach… “John I don’t think that is legal. You could be disqualified”
“I don’t know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ain’t got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls”
“””””
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A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn’t want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.
When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number.
His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone. “Hey babe, I’m just changing clothes and then I will join you” he said. “As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and she left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!” Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
Heartbroken she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary eyes, she read: “I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread”.
“””””
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