One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: “What it means to be British?”.

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner. “Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair. And the most British thing of all? “Suspicious of anything Foreign ”

“””””

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The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It’s a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, “Baron kiss me!” The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. “What are you doing?” says the startled girlfriend.

“I am The Red Baron, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!” She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, she says, “Baron, kiss me lower.” The Red Baron tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. “What are you doing now?” She asks bewildered.

“I am The Red Baron, fighter pilot extraordinair! When I have white meat, I have white wine!”

They resume their passionate session and things really steam up. The girlfriend leans close to his ear and whispers, “Baron, kiss me lower!” He rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac, and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. The girlfriend shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, She throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, “Baron, what the f*** do you think you’re doing?”

The Red Baron stands up, defiantly, and says, “I am The Red Baron, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!”

“””””

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A church has a job opening for a bell ringer. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren’t sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.
The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below dead.

Two guys were walking past.

One asked, “Do you know this guy?”

The second guy responded, “No, but his face rings a bell.”

The next day, the dead bell ringer’s twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position.
He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.

The same two guys walk by.

The first asks, “Do you know him?”

The second guy responds, “No, but he’s a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday.”

“””””

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven. Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, ” I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony.”

The three sinners knowing the lives they’ve lived look at each other nervously awaiting judgement. They know their pasts are not worthy of the heavens, but they don’t feel they deserve hell either.

Jesus takes a look at a holy book sitting atop a gleaming marble pedestal. “In this book I see the names of all humans, all I have to do is look up your name and I shall see the life you’ve lived!”

Flipping through the pages Jesus mumbles to himself as the three sinners wait to hear their fates.
“It seems” Jesus finally speaks, “That none of you deserve to be here. In fact, you have all wasted your days on earth doing nothing but chasing after the lusts and fruits the devil hath provided for you to feast. I’m sorry but you do not belon-”

“WAIT!!!” Screams the sex addict. “Give us one more chance to prove we’re worthy!”

“Yeah! We won’t let you down again!” Finishes the alcoholic.

Jesus thinks for awhile, pondering what to do. Then at last, he comes up with an idea.
Summoning three rooms behind three doors he leads the sinners to them. “Behind these doors are the tools you have used to sin against God. You will spend one hundred years in these rooms. Once I return, if you have not sinned, you will be welcome into heaven. Do you agree to my terms?!?”
All three nod and agree enthusiastically, happy to gain a second chance.

So, Jesus leads them each to their room to spend the next century.
Upon arriving at the first door, it opens. This room is for the sex addict. It is full of beautiful woman and beds to lay on. Jesus bids him farewell and shuts him in the room.

At the second door upon opening, they see a giant room full of alcohol. Any kind that you could think of as far as the eye could see! Once again, Jesus bids the alcoholic farewell and shuts him in the room.
Finally they reach the third room and open the door. This last door opens up to a field of marijuana. There’s plants everywhere and bowls and bongs to pack them in as well.

“Good luck.” Jesus says, shutting the pot head into the room.

A hundred years pass and Jesus goes to check on the three sinners. Hoping for the best, but not very confident in them as a hundred years is a long time!

Arriving at the first door he opens it to find the sex addict, lying in a bed surrounded by women. You can see that he has failed, many of them are pregnant.

Just like that, he closes the door, pulls a lever and casts the sinner to hell!
Coming to the second door. He opens it and is blasted by a thick smell of liquor. There’s broken bottles everywhere and the alcoholic, clearly as drunk as can be, is lying in a pool of the foul smelling liquid.
Shaking his head, Jesus closes the door and over again, pulls another lever casting the alcoholic to the deepest depths of hell!

Upon arriving to the third door, Jesus is in poor spirits expecting the same to be seen from the pot head. He opens the door and all is still. Looking around, the pot head is nowhere to be seen.
All around him there are bongs and bowls packed full of weed. Mountains of joints and blunts rolled to perfection. But not a single puff has been taken.
Finally Jesus stumbled upon the man, soaked in his own tears, he looks up at Jesus who is clearly surprised and says, “Jesus please! I’m sorry, take me to hell if you must but please, will you PLEASE give me a lighter?!?”

“””””

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