Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscle Contraction’ to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’

She replied, ‘Probably golfing with his buddies.’

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

“””””

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A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is significantly taller than they were expecting, towering almost 40 feet into the air.

“How did we not see this from the street outside?” asked one of the regulars. “It’s a magic slide dumbass,” replied the barman.

“So it’s just really big? That doesn’t seem that magic,” said another of the regulars.
“I got it from an Irishman,” replied the barman. “He said it’s home to a leprechaun who will grant you a wish as you go down it. All you need to do is to shout what you wish for when you are halfway down the slide, and then at the end of the slide you’ll land in a big pot full of whatever you wished for.”
The regulars are incredulous, but they decide to call the barman’s bluff and try it for themselves.
It’s a long climb to the top of the slide, and the three of them arrive sweating and gasping for breath. Being British, they form an orderly queue and the first one sits down and sets off down the slide.
Within seconds he’s travelling at a tremendous speed and thoroughly enjoying himself. When he judges himself to be roughly halfway down the slide he yells out “Money” and when he reaches the bottom he lands in a big pot filled with £50 notes. Triumphant, he raises his arms and waves up at the two regulars still at the top of the slide.

The second sits down and sets off down the slide, gathering speed and waving his arms above his head with exhilaration. As he gets halfway down the slide he shouts out “Gold” and when he reaches the bottom he lands in a big pot filled with gold coins, miraculously managing to not break his legs.

The third sits down and sets off down the slide. He’s seen the other two have so much fun that by the time he gets started he’s really excited about going down this massive slide and has totally forgotten about making a wish. As he gets halfway down the slide he joyously exclaims “Weeeeeeeeeeeee” and when he reaches the bottom he lands with a big yellow splash.

“””””

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Jesus walks into a bar. He sees a Russian man with a glass of water. Jesus asks “My son, are you a believer?”

The Russian replies “No.” With a wave of his hands, Jesus changes it to a glass of wine. “Well my son, do you believe now?” The Russian frowns and shakes his head.

The next day, Jesus comes into the bar and sees the same man. “My son, are you a believer yet?” The Russian replies “No.” Jesus waves his hands and behold! The glass again is changed to wine. “Well my son, now you surely believe?” The Russian frowns and shakes his head.

On the third day, Jesus enters the bar and approaches the Russian. “My son, are you a believer yet?”
The Russian looks up “If i say I believe, will you just leave my vodka alone today?”

“””””

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A man decided to join a Buddhist monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

After 10 years in the Buddhist monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head Buddhist monk calls him in again and asks ‘What two words would you like to say?’

The monk replies with ‘Too cold’, so the head monk organises for him to get another blanket.

After 30 years the head monk calls him in and says ‘What two words would you like to say’.
The monk replies with ‘Wanna leave’.

The head Buddhist monk says ‘I’m not surprised. You’ve done nothing but complain since you’ve been here’.

“””””

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