A young man went into confession

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping.

“Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest.

“But it doesn’t end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn’t send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried.
“Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still – you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest.

“Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried.

“Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest.

“So what should I do father?” the man asked.

“Well” answered the priest, “you should get the fuck out of here before it starts raining!”.

——-

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Fat girl wearing a shirt that said

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, “Caution, I’m a maneater”. I walked up to the girl and timidly said, “Excuse me, Miss…about your shirt.”

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, “Oh let me guess, you’re here to make a comment about how I’m so fat and how I actually eat men. I can’t help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt.”

I looked at her, confused and said,”That’s actually not what I was going to say at all.”

“Oh…” she replied as a smile started to come across her face. “What were you going to say?”

“That’s not how you spell manatee.”

“””””

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A teenage immigrant boy comes home from school

A teenage immigrant boy comes home from school.

His mother asks him “How were your classes today?”

“Today we had sex education mama”

Shocked his mother replies. “What?! You go to your room and wait till your father comes home. He’s going to have stern words with you.”

When the father comes home and learns about his sons class he replies. “This isn’t the old country, people are more liberal here, don’t worry. This should be good for him.”

Feeling bad she goes upstairs to apologise and finds him vigorously masturbating.

The mother says. “Luigi, when you finish your homework I want to have a word with you.”

“””””

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A man buys a talking centipede

A man buys a talking centipede for €5000. He takes it home in a small box.

After 30 minutes, he opens the box and says “Would you like to go for a pint?”.

Silence; the centipede doesn’t answer. Raising his voice, the man repeats his question, but still no reply.
Becoming agitated, and starting to think he has been conned, he leans forward and loudly shouts the question into the box.

The centipede jumps in shock and sticks his head out of the box and angrily shouts back at the man; “I heard you the first time you impatient bastard, I’m just putting my fucking shoes on.”

“””””

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