Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking in the city. When they see a house with the sign on “Words prettiest woman contest”. Snow White goes in and comes back out all happy, tiara on her head as a winner”.

They keep walking and see a gym with the sign up “Worlds strongest man contest”. Superman goes in and comes back out as a winner with a trophy in his hand and smiling.

They keep walking when they see a house with a sign “Worlds greatest liar contest”.

Pinocchio goes in and comes out all beaten and a tear in his eye: “Who the fuck is Donald Trump?”.

“””””

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It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

“””””

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A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk . . . naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”

“””””

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who’s the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,”

He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.

“What happened?” asked the other vampires.

“Did you see that house over there?” he inquired.

The others nod their heads.

“Well… I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!” he replied.

“Wow, fascinating!”, replied the other two.

Then the second one takes the next turn, “Watch and learn, guys!”

He flies even faster, at about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck

“What happened??” they asked.

“Do you see that village over there?” he inquired.

The others nod their heads.

“Well… I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!”

“Wow, amazing!”, replied the other two.

Finally the last one steps up and says, “Don’t blink or you’ll miss it”

He flies really fast, even faster than the other two, at about 140 miles/hour. After mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose.

“Wh..what did you do???” they asked.

“Do you see that big ass tree over there?” he inquired

“Ye..yes?!” they replied awestruck.

“Well.. I didn’t”

“””””

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