Old, weathered guitar
description

Old, weathered guitar

An old man walks up to the counter of a pawn shop holding an old, weathered guitar. “I’d like your expert opinion on this guitar, how much do you think it’s worth?” asks the old man.

The pawn broker looks it up and down. “Well, I can tell right now that there’s a little warping in the neck, the lacquer is faded and there’s scratches and dents all over it. It’s an old, well-played guitar but I don’t think it’s worth any more than twenty bucks.”

The old man reaches his hand out and says, “Okay, if that’s what you think it’s worth.. you have a deal!”
“Great!” replies the pawn broker, shaking his hand.

“Here’s twenty bucks,” says the old man. “I’ll buy it right now!”

The broker stops, and suddenly looks confused. “Wait…. buy?” he asks.

“Yes!” smiles the old man as he flips the guitar over, “This one has a sticker price of $150, but now that I have your honest opinion I think twenty bucks is a great deal!”

“””””

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Face lift for her 50th birthday
description

Face lift for her 50th birthday

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

“””””

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Caught two lobsters
description

Caught two lobsters

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

“Sir, are you aware it’s not lobster season, and it’s illegal to fish lobsters?”

“Me son,” the Newfie said. “I didn’t fish ’em. Deez lobsters are me pets.”

“Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I’ll have to issue a fine unless you can prove your claim.”

“Well, I’s had ’em since they was babes. Trained ’em meself, I did. I can lets ’em go play, and when I calls ’em they comes right back to me.”

The cop, disbelieving the man, allowed him to demonstrate. The Newfie put the lobsters on the sand and said “Go ‘n play, me b’ys”.

The lobsters immediately turned and crawled down into the water. Amazed, the cop blinked in amazement.
“That’s incredible! I’ve never seen anything like it! Now call them back.”

The Newfie turned with a sly smile and said, “Call what back?”

“””””

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Two statues in a park
description

Two statues in a park

There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?” He asks her “Shall we?” She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.”

“””””

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