World Cup Final
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World Cup Final

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

“No,” says the neighbour. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?”

The neighbour says, “Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?”

The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

“””””

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Paddy’s last will
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Paddy’s last will

Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast. He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes. When all is ready he begins to speak:

“My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra.”

“My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road.”

“My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre.”

“Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road .”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy’s wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, ” Mrs O’Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property”..

“Property?”, his wife replies. “The fucker had a window cleaning round.”

“””””

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As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoe
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As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoe

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn’t resist a quick glance at her knickers:

“Hey cheeky!” She said as she gave me a playful kick. “I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls’ skirts isn’t it?”

“That’s an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam.” I said sternly. “I don’t even work here.”

“””””

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Gynecologist waits on his last patient
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Gynecologist waits on his last patient

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive…

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.
“It doesn’t matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin and tonic while waiting. Do you want one to help you relax?”
“I accept, thanks!” She answers.

He gives her a drink, sits down in front of her and they start talking.
Suddenly someone is heard opening the entrance office door.

The doctor looks worried, gets up, and says:

“My wife! Quick, take off your clothes and spread your legs, otherwise, she might think there is some nonsense going on!”

“””””

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