Month: September 2022

The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. “Where’s the $5 million you embezzled from me?” demands the gangster. The accountant is silent. “Where’s my $5 million?” the crime boss shouts.
The lawyer explains: “Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate.”

Using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money; the message relayed back is that the accountant knows nothing about it.

Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the accountant’s head, screaming at the lawyer, “Ask him again where my f**cking money is!”

“Okay! Okay!” the deaf accountant signs back. “The money’s hidden behind the old toolshed in my backyard.”

“What did he say?” demands the enraged crime boss.

The attorney replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

“””””

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A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says “We gotta get rid of these things. We’ll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They’re so dumb they won’t know a thing.”

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

“Hey can you break a 15 dollar bill for me,” one of them says.

“Oh, sure, no problem,” the cashier says. The counterfeiters grin at each other.

“I told you,” the one whispers to the other, and they fist bump.

Then the cashier says to them, “so, do you want an 8 and a 7, or two 3’s and a 9?”

“””””

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A man awakes to find himself in a room with a ladder to the floor above and a $10 bill. A voice speaks “accept what is offered or climb the ladder to success.”

“$10 isn’t much” he thinks so he climbs the ladder. On the next floor he finds $1,000 in cash and a moderately attractive woman willing to become his wife. Again he hears “accept what is offered or climb the ladder to success.”

Again not satisfied, the man climbs the ladder. This time he find $50,000, a very attractive woman, the deed to a small house, and a job offer for more than twice what he’s currently making. Once again, a voice says “accept what is offered or climb the ladder to success.”

This time the man hesitates, but based on the pattern he’s seeing, he can’t help but once again go to the ladder and begins to climb. This time, he finds one million dollars in cash, bank statements showing he has a net worth north of 50 million dollars, the deed to a mansion, the keys to his dream car, and the two most beautiful women he’s ever seen. He’s about to run to them when he hears yet again, “accept what is offered, or climb the ladder to success”.

The man is torn. Everything he has ever wanted is in this room, or at least the means to acquire it. But despite that, the promise of success, something even greater than what is before him, draws him towards the ladder. He grabs the rungs and begins to pull himself upward.

This ladder is longer than the others. And as he nears the top he begins to smell a foul odor. It’s almost impossible to bear as he pulls himself onto the landing. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he sees he’s in a mostly empty room. There is no new ladder this time. But he makes out some shape in the corner. As the shape lights a cigarette, the man realizes it’s a man who must weight at least 400 pounds and smells like he hasn’t bathed in weeks. Too exhausted from the climb to move, the man stares in horror as the mountain in the corner stands up and walks toward him, uttering just 3 words. “Hi, I’m Cess.”

“””””

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A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins…

She asks the doctor “Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!”

The doctor says “Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news.”

Immediately thinking the worst, the mother asks “Oh my God, what’s wrong?”

“Well, you were recovering for a long time,” the doctor says solemnly, “we had to give the children a name. Your brother chose them…”

Shocked, the mother asks “What did he name the girl?”

The doctor lets out a sigh and says “Denise.”

“Oh!” The mother says, “That’s a lovely name, what about the boy?”

The doctor places a hand on the mother’s shoulder, shaking his head he says…

“Denephew.”

“””””

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