An unemployed guy sees an ad in the paper that says “Photographer wanted for Miami based luxury bikini line”. Thinking it to be a joke, the guy calls the number in the ad.

“Hello,” he says. “Is that photographer ad a joke?”

“No,” says the voice on the other line. “One of our photographers died suddenly last week, and we’re looking for a new one.”

“Cool! I’ve been looking for a new job for a while, and this seems like it could be a very fine job for me.”
“Great! Are you married? Our models tend to get uncomfortable when they have pictures taken by married men.”

“No, I’m single.”

“Nice! Are you able to control yourself around women?”

“I am more than able!”

“Wonderful! Do you have a passport? We sometimes do shoots in exotic locations.”

“I do have a passport!”

“I’m delighted to say that you are qualified for the job! How quickly can you get to Vermont?”

“Vermont?! I thought you were based in Miami!”

“We are. Vermont is where the line for the interview starts.”

“””””

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Simple old man goes to the doctor

The doctor prescribes him a medice and tells him:

“You have to take this through your rectum”

Old man doesn’t quite understand, goes back home and asks his wife:

“What’s rectum?”

“I don’t know, why don’t you go ask the doctor”

Back to the doctor’s office he tries to explain:

“You have to insert it in your anus”

Confused again he asks his wife:

“What’s anus?”

“I don’t know, go ask to doctor again”

“No way! If I go back there a third time he’ll tell me to shove it up my ass”

“””””

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A Crossfitter, a Vegan and an Atheist walk into a bar….
I only know because they told *everybody* within two minutes of walking in.

——

What’s the only thing a vegan kills?
A conversation.

——

What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker

——

I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become Vegan
I’m then stranded alone on a desert island and there’s nobody to tell.

——

Why don’t vegans moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit a piece of meat makes them happy

——

What’s a vegan’s favorite animal?
The high horse.

“””””

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A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly..
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than myFerrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

“””””

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