My first time

My first time buying condoms as a teenager, I went to the pharmacy.

The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, “No, it’s my first time.”

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.
I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.
“Just a minute.” she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.
“You like these?”
I could only nod my head.
She said to put the condom on.

As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down.
“Come on.” she said. “We don’t have much time.”
So I climbed on her.

It was so amazing that I couldn’t hold back and KIBAAM! I was done in two minutes!
She looked at me concerned and asked, “Did you put the condom on?”

I said, “I sure did!”

…and held up my thumb to show her.


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Tinder Date

I matched with a tinder profile that had no pics.

We chatted a bit. Smart and funny so i asked for a date. She said yes!

I’m not expecting much, probably 400lbs. But she answered the door, this little strawberry blonde with a head full of curls and all the right curves in all the right places. We exchanged our real names and i asked what she did for a living. She says, “Sunday school teacher”. Now i ain’t never had me Christian girl, but I’m open minded about it, so I’m driving her to the second best restaurant i can think of.

I pullout a joint of my best weed and ask if she wants an appetite. She says “Heavens no, what would i tell my sunday school children?”. Well,some people smoke and some don’t so i thought nothing of it.

We go to the restaurant andi i order a steak, she gets the lobster. I order the second most expensive bottle of wine on the menu. But when the waitress brings it she says she doesn’t drink. My mind is blown. “You don’t drink?”

“Heavens no. What would i tell my sunday school children?”

We have a good time, laughing at each others jokes, but i know this is a bust as i drink up that overpriced bottle by myself.

As I’m driving her home i pass a cheap hotel and figuring i got nothing to lose ask her :”want to get a room and knock boots?”

She says ” I thought you’d never ask. ”

I’m like really?!? “what will you tell your sunday school children?”

She said the same thing i tell them every week

“You don’t have to drink and smoke to have a good time ”


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Why I am the way I am

My children asked me once why I am the way I am. So I told them. One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. “But,” the genie added, “your wishes will come with a cost.”

That was okay, I thought. I’d do anything for my children. “Oh genie,” I said, “please give my daughter beautiful blue eyes.”

“Your wish is granted,” said the genie. Over the coming weeks friends and family would all remark on what gorgeous eyes my daughter had, a clear blue like the afternoon sky in August. But the very next morning, I woke up and everything looked blurry. By the end of the day my optometrist had prescribed me a pair of thick glasses.

I determined not to use the genie any more, but I kept the lamp. And several years later, when my second child was born, I found it again. The genie reminded me that I had two more wishes. “But,” the genie added, “your wishes will come with a cost.”

Sighing, I realized that I could hardly do less for my second child than for my first, so I said, “Oh genie, please give my son beautiful golden hair.”

“Your wish is granted,” said the genie. Over the coming months friends and family would all remark on what gorgeous hair my son had, blond ringlets that fell neatly without tangling. But the very next morning, I woke up and noticed I could feel a breeze on my head. I put on my glasses, looked in the mirror, and found I had gone bald.

This time I swore I would never ask anything of that genie again, and I threw the lamp into the farthest corner of the garage in a box of stuff I’d been avoiding sorting out for a decade. But several years passed again, and my third child was born. I wasn’t entirely surprised when, the day after we brought her home from the hospital, somehow I came across that lamp again.

“You have one remaining wish,” the genie told me. “But your wish will come with a –”
“A cost, yeah I know,” I said. In truth, I was a bit older by this point, and I felt a little bad that I’d used my earlier wishes for superficial things like hair and eyes. And here was my chance to make up for that.

“Genie,” I said, “I wish for my youngest, my baby girl, to be smart.”

“Your wish is granted,” said the genie. Over the coming years, friends and family would all remark on how smart my youngest daughter was. She was the first to read in her preschool, and took to math like a fish to water. But the very next morning, I woke up and noticed that my bedroom seemed to have a lot more blue and red and grey than I’d remembered. I put on my glasses to see clearly, and I realized, to my horror,
I was a New England Patriots fan.


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Lost his hat

A man who lost his hat decided the easiest way to replace it was to steal it.

So he goes to the local church in search of a hat. A sermon about the ten commandments was going on as he made his way to the cloakroom. He stopped, thought for a moment, and changed his mind.

Upon seeing the pastor, the man walks up to him and says, “Father, I must say, your sermon saved me from doing something wrong. I came here with sin in my heart, but your sermon showed me the error of my ways.” Upon hearing this, the pastor congratulates him and asks him what specifically made him change his mind, to which the man replies, “You see, I lost my hat and came here to steal one from the cloakroom. But when you got to the ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery’ part, I suddenly remembered where I left my hat.”


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