A Highway Patrol Officer pulled over a little old lady for going 10mph on the highway.

As he walked up to the old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.

He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.

“Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma’am?”

“No, I do not,” she replied sweetly.

“You were going 10mph on the highway. That’s a serious hazard for other drivers.”

The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.

The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”

The officer looked at the sign and laughed. “Ma’am, that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on. Interstate 10.”

The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles. “Oh, I’m sorry!”

The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go. But curiosity got the better of him. “Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”

The little old lady laughed again. “Probably because I just got off Interstate 127.”

“””””

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A priest wants to go on vacation, so he calls his rabbi friend and asks if he would handle his parish for a month.

The rabbi replies “I guess. I can definitely handle the sermons as I’ll just preach from the old testament but I wouldn’t have a clue what to do with the confessional.”

“Confessions are easy,” the priest says. “Just watch me and you’ll get the idea.”

So the priest goes in the confession box and a woman comes up. “Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with 2 men.”

The priest replies “say two Hail Marys, put a dollar in the collection box and you will be forgiven.”

The woman thanks him and leaves.

The next woman comes up:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with 2 men.”

The priest replies “say two Hail Marys, put a dollar in the collection box and you will be forgiven.”

The woman thanks him and leaves.

The next woman approaches.

“Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with 2 men.”

The priest replies “say two Hail Marys, put a dollar in the collection box and you will be forgiven.”

The woman thanks him and leaves.

“This is easy,” the rabbi says. “I can handle it.”

“You take the next one and I’ll watch” the priest replies.

So the rabbi goes in the confession box and the next woman approaches.

“Forgive me father for I have sinned. I slept with a man.”

The rabbi replies “so sleep with another, they’re 2 for a dollar.”

“””””

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A sophisticated, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around, spots a beautiful rug, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed.

Unfortunately, standing right next to her is a salesman.

“Good day, ma’am, how may we help you today?”

Flustered, she asks, “Sir, how much does this rug cost?”

“Madam,” he answers, “If you farted just touching it, you’re gonna shit when you hear the price.”

“””””

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Steve dies and goes to Heaven, where St Peter informs him that he’ll have to share apartment with someone else.

“You see, it’s getting a bit crowded up here”, St Peter explains.

“What kind of roommate will I get?” Steve asks.

“A gentleman from 14th century Mexico.”

“Medieval Mexico?!” Steve exclaims. “But I’m from 21st century Britain! We’ll have nothing in common!”
“I’m sure you’ll find something to talk about if you try”, says St Peter.

So Steve is shown to his heavenly home and is introduced to a shy, skinny fellow whom he’s supposed to share it with.

“So what did you work as?” asks Steve.

“Peasant”, says the Mexican.

“How was that?”

“Hard.”

“I was a web designer.”

“What’s that?”

“I don’t know how to explain it to you, sorry. Did you have hobbies? Mine was old cars.”
“I don’t understand.”

Thus the conversation continues, both men struggling to keep it going, both fearing an eternity of awkwardness.

Then the Mexican asks: “How did you die?”

“Well…” Steve hesitates. “To be honest, I died because my life had become too difficult for me to handle.”
“Why had it become so difficult?”

“I fell for a pyramid scheme. You see, my heart was stolen by someone who only wanted to use me.”
The Mexican beams with relief. “What a coincidence!”

“””””

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