The CIA had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.’

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her’ The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’ The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.’

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks’ he said. ‘I had to strangle that bitch to death’.

“””””

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A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered. “Let’s relive some old times.”

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps.

“One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”

“””””

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”

The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”
The lion exclaims, “oh my god! It’s in the paper already?”

“””””

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A local bar was so confident, that their bartender was the strongest man in town…

So they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The challenge was for the bartender to squeeze a lemon until all the juice was in a glass, then hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze out just one more drop of juice would win the money.

Over time, many had tried (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but no one succeeded.

One day, a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit walked in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to take the bet.”

After the laughter subsided, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed it dry.
He then handed the wrinkled remains to the little man.

To everyone’s astonishment, the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid him $1,000 and asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

“””””

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