A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I dont know where I am.

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, Youre in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, You must be a Republican.

I am, replied the man. How did you know?

Well, answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and Im still lost. Frankly, youve not been much help to me.

The man smiled and responded, You must be a Democrat.

I am, replied the balloonist. But how did you know?

Well, said the man, You dont know where you are or where youre going. Youve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. Youve made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. Youre in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, its MY fault.

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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didnt want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first womans husband phones the other husband and said, These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.

Thats nothing, said the other. Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!

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From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin,Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles,the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, Ill have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.

I doubt it, said the truly proud Redneck. Tonight, Im the designated decoy.

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A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says Im sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!

Sorry. I didnt realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much, the passenger says.

Its not your fault, replies the cabbie.

Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse.

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