We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. we turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didnt want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

I go out to the taxi while my husband went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs with my husband in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, I dont want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so I explain to the taxi driver that he will be out soon. Hes just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.

A few minutes later, he gets into the cab. Sorry I took so long, he said as we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. but it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

……………..

Check out FootballFanDating.com to meet other fans of your team online! Try their Football Fan Dating.

An atheist was walking through the woods.
What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him
with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, Oh my God!

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I dont exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?

Very Well, said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.

……………..

Try out Yolen.com for electronics! Check out their Deal of the Day.

Perfect Day for a Woman:

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.

8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.

9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.

10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.

12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.

12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 lbs.

1:00 Shopping with friends.

3:00 Nap.

4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.

4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.

5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

10:00 Hot shower. Alone.

10:30 Make love.

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

Perfect Day for a Man:

8:00 Alarm.

8:01 Blowjob.

8:02 Massive dump while reading the sports section.

8:30 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.

9:00 Limo arrives.

9:02 Bloody Mary en route to airport.

9:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.

9:55 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.

10:00 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.

12:00 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.

12:15 Blowjob.

12:16 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.

2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.

2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.

3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.

4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.

5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.

7:00 Watch Sportscenter. CNN Newsflash.

8:00 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip.

9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.

10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.

11:45 Go to bed (Alone).

11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.

11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep

……………..

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com

There is a medical distinction. Weve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: Youre next, fatty.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

“““““

.xyz Domains names for only $1.99, .site for only $2.99, .com only $8.99 at LocoDomains.com