This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries . . . but now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race . . . youre a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework . . . youre a pansy.

If you work too hard . . . theres never any time for her.

If you dont work enough . . . youre a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay . . . this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay . . . you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her . . . that is favoritism

If she gets a job ahead of you . . . its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks . . . its sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet . . . its male indifference.

If you cry . . . youre a wimp.

If you dont . . . youre an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her . . . youre a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you . . . shes a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesnt enjoy . . . thats domination.

If SHE asks you . . . its a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear . . . youre a pervert.

If you dont . . . youre gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape . . . youre sexist.

If you dont . . . youre unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape . . . youre vain.

If you dont . . . youre a slob.

If you buy her flowers . . . youre after something.

If you dont . . . youre not thoughtful.

If youre proud of your achievements . . . youre full of yourself.

If you dont . . . youre not ambitious.

If she has a headache . . . shes tired.

If you have a headache . . . you dont love her anymore.

If you want it too often . . . youre oversexed.

If you dont . . . there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to!

……………..

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One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man Why are you eating grass?

We dont have any money for food, the poor man replied. We have to eat grass.

Well, then, you can come with me to my house and Ill feed you the lawyer said.

But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.

Bring them along, the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, You come with us also.

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me! Bring them all, as well, the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, Glad to do it. Youll really love my place – the grass is almost a foot high!

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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks whats in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!

Where on earth did you get that? says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, Here. Rub it.

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly theres a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish…. each person is only allowed one!

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, I want A million bucks!

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they just keep coming, duck after duck after duck!

The bartender turns to the man and says, Yknow, I think your Genies a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.

No shit! says the man, do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?

……………..

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Three guys compare their stories of how drunk they were the night before. The first guy says, I was so drunk, I went home and beat my wife.

The second guy says, That is nothing, I went home, knocked over a candle, and burned my house down.

The third guys says, Now THAT is nothing. I went home and blew chunks.

The other two guys say, So what? That isnt bad at all.

The third guy responds, I dont think you understand. Chunks is my dog.

……………..

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