Two Arabs are in a locker room taking a shower after their racquetball game, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

If you do not mind me saying, said the second, that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?

I can not, lamented the first Arab. It is permanently stuck in my butt.

I do not understand, said the other. The first Arab says, I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in red, white and blue attire, with a white beard and top hat came oozing out. He said, I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.

I said, No shit.

……………..

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Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, “Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this mess. I gotta go home and scare the cat.”

……………..

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A man went into a bar. The bartender said to the guy, “What can I get you?”

“Make it a whisky,” said the man who promptly throws it down in one gulp.

“That will be three dollars,” said the bartender.

“Says you!” said the man. “You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying.”

“Get out,” said the bartender. “You’re banned. I don’t need your business.”

Anyway, two years later, the same man went back to the same bar with the same bartender.

The bartender looked at him and said, “You’re the jerk who tried to con a drink out of me, aren’t you?”

“Excuse me, but I have no idea what you are talking about,” said the customer. “I’ve never been to this bar before in my life!”

“Sorry. My mistake,” said the bartender. “You must have a double.”

“Hey thanks, dude!” said the customer. “Make it a whisky.”

……………..

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A guy goes to a nightclub and when the bouncer won’t let him in the guy asks, “‘Why not?”

“Because you’re not wearing a tie,” says the bouncer.

“But I have come all the way from the other end of town,” says the guy.

“Sorry mate, that’s the rules,” says the bouncer.

So the guy goes back to his car to try and see if he can find a tie or something like one. He finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around himself, and goes back to the club.

“Is this all right?” he asks the bouncer.

“Well, all right then,” replies the bouncer. “But I’ll be watching you – don’t start anything!”

……………..

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